A very intense Pirate named Captain Tonz contacted us asking to come on the show and tell a bunch of his old Pirate stories: missions he’s been on, famous people who have hired him, and a batch of toxic waste that got a reporter murdered and is making your children’s fingers fall off.
You read it right. We’re interviewing an honest-to-goodness, real life Pirate. And your children’s fingers are falling off. Hurry, download it before your fingers fall off and you’re unable to click the Download button below.
Welcome to episode 97, where we talk to a retired Pirate and hear some war stories. Nitty gritty stuff. “Put the kids to bed,” type of stuff.
Turns out, some of the stories are really hilarious.
Captain Tonz really, really wants YOU to know:
- Pirates are nothing like Johnny Depp’s Pirates of the Caribbean cartoonish character.
- And, according to Tonz, Pirates are actually the good guys. And the government is just a bunch of jerks and are giving Pirates a bad name. A sea veteran. Hassled by the government. Bleeping fascists. Nothing changes.
ALSO: Wacky tales from the Bone Fags garage “studio.” PLUS: Pregnant wives, bastard daddy zombie bass players, Skatopia’s Backwoods Blowout Brandon’s Birthday Bowl Bash #XVIXX2X, Dr. Robert quits the band, Paul Zero fills in for him, and Bill Manspeaker heckles this dude Paul Zero. I’m talking nonstop, hardcore heckles this guy. Throwing chit, the whole bit. This happened the entire time we played. Good old Paul Zero. Whatever happened to that guy?
How to smuggling things on a ship, smuggling people, smuggling camels, smuggling amber, government pirates, and holding a Pirate Record for over 120 years: this man stole two giant ships and sailed them somewhere else. He does this stuff because really important people pay him to do this stuff.
I’m talking Shieks. Look at this, taken from the official Captain Tonz site: CaptainTonz.com.
I’ve ‘undertaken’ missions on behalf of; Royalty, Shieks and Politicians.
I’ve ‘assisted’ in missions involving; President of the Philippines, Philippine Congress, MLF(Muslim Liberation Front), New Peoples Army Communist Rebels, Muammar Al-Ghaddafi, Goverment of Nigeria, the family of Prime Minister of Vietnam, CIA and various unmentionable orgs and gangsters
Quotes from Captain Tonz
“Stealing a ship has got to be the easiest thing you can do.”
He proceeds to tell us how to steal a ship.
He also tells the classic YANBO heist, and how he was able to steal two ships at the same time from one Shiek for another Shiek.
“I’ll tell you something no one else will tell you about Somali pirates.”
We get the real story of Captain Phillips.
Reporter murdered, kids fingers falling off due to toxic waste
There’s a bunch of toxic waste somewhere and Tonz knows where. It’s deep under the sea. And Tonz knows who did it, too. And if someone doesn’t clean it up, the whole area will be destroyed. It’s making children’s fingers fall off, dude.
It’s a ticking time bomb. The Indian ocean is going to be destroyed. Your kids’ fingers will fall off.
Let’s get this thing cleaned up, yeah?